Turning Thirty / Margita Does the Proust Questionnaire

OK. I'm 30 now.

When I was a kid, I considered 30-year-olds to be people close to retirement who have already figured out their shit and what life and the Universe are really all about. (And they have no skin issues!) Now I also belong into this age group and I still often fight the feeling that there is a huuuge bubble with the neon-letters WTF hovering above my head. And I'm just hoping it's not visible to others.

I'm 30 now, but I was certain about so much more 15, 10 years ago. I had these radical opinions about certain things and lived in calm indifference about others. I had goals which seemed not only possible, but as certainties sure to happen sooner or later. I had other priorities than now.

But sure as hell I have always loved questionnaires.

I decided to give myself the gift of filling in the Proust Questionnaire, so that the kick-off of the fourth decade of my life (the fourth!!!) is more fun.

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Happiness is not related to where you are. It's not related to how many things you own, be it the bare minimum or thousands of items you barely manage to use. It's not what others are trying to sell you as their idea of happiness they present via social media. It's not completing and turning 'I will be happy if / when...' into reality... 

For me, perfect happiness is being in stillness, feeling the blood flowing through my body, the body which exists thanks to random (?) decisions of people since the first human stood up. Happiness is the stillness of every day which goes by without shattering news and tragedies, life just calmly going on. It's endless gratitude for my hands, legs, body, mind, health. And the silent thank you for people I love and who love me back. (And a puppy here and there.) 

2. What is your greatest fear?

Losing a loved one. Realizing one day that I wasted too much time and thoughts on the wrong things.

3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

I'm terrible at confrontations, I can't "talk about my feelings" and I panic when someone demands this from me. Inside me, there is a voice shouting Do it! Say it! Let it out! and yet there is no chance to make my mouth speak. I just shut down.

4. What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Arrogance, lack of humility.

5. Which living person do you most admire?

Everyone who is living and giving and not simply existing and consuming.

6. What is your greatest extravagance?

As boring as it may seem, I think I invest the most money and time (without even blinking) for courses and lessons in activities which I would love to be really good at someday. This includes sewing and knitting lessons, but I love as well shopping for fabrics, yarn and haberdashery. And I still think buying a second sewing machine (one is at the atelier where I have my lessons, another one back home) made a lot of sense! 

7. What is your current state of mind?

Conflict.

8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Workoholism, being "busy". 

9. On what occasion do you lie?

I've never learnt to do this lying-thing properly. I simply have too much stuff stored in my head to remember the details of a fake story. I also blush terribly and smile weirdly when trying to lie. So I'd say I only lie to myself.

10. What do you most dislike about your appearance?

I'm quite happy with the good old physical body of mine, but I wouldn't mind having broader shoulders and more bony knees. And maybe longer fingers...

11. Which living person do you most despise?

All those jerks spitting on the pavement, throwing their garbage out onto the streets and sidewalks. And everyone who makes other people feel less about themselves.

12. What is the quality you most like in a man?

Grace, kindness, balance between softness and hardness. A compatible sense of humor and well-developed self-irony.

13. What is the quality you most like in a woman?

Grace, kindness, balance between softness and hardness. A compatible sense of humor and well-developed self-irony.

14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

Well... Kinda... I guess... I mean... Yeah... 

15. What or who is the greatest love of your life?

The greatest, the longest, the unbreakable one = my family.

16. When and where were you happiest?

I practice gratitude regularly and naturally, that's why I'm happy very often. I'm happy when I realize someone chooses to spend their time with me. I'm happy when I hug someone dear to me. I'm happy in moments I can dedicate my time to things I love doing. I'm happy that the only challenges and problems I'm currently facing are at the end of the day banalities I can fix myself. (Knocking on wood at this one.)

17. Which talent would you most like to have?

I'd love to have the supertalents of my Mom, who is a master in artsy stuff, music, knitting, writing, cooking, drawing, painting and every other kind of creative work. She turns everything she touches into something beautiful. 

18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Be more decisive, take risks and act upon my wishes or gut feeling even in the greater decisions of life.

19. What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Getting back on track regarding food, getting rid of panic attacks after eating and becoming braver when eating things not made by me. 

20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?

It would be the most boring, non-huntable and bad-tasting small ugly bird with high life expectancy.

21. Where would you most like to live?

In a house with a garden close to the city center. (I know, but one can dream!) It would have a garden and would be filled with light. My atelier would be there and there would be a lot of books.

22. What is your most treasured possession?

My brain.

23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Not having control over your own life and decisions. 

24. What is your favorite occupation?

Stillness. And that moment when out of nowhere, inspiration arrives.

25. What is your most marked characteristic?

I don't know... Guys, help me out here!

26. What do you most value in your friends?

That there is no distance, no time and no events in life that would make us go separate ways. My dearest and closest friends are very different people, but when I think about it they all are kind, selfless, value the little things, have good sense of humor and stand out in the crowd, especially once you get to know them more. And each of them has their own superpower!

27. Who are your favorite writers?

People who still write and send me letters and postcards.

28. Who is your hero of fiction?

My real heroes are outside of fiction.

29. Which historical figure do you most identify with?

I think it would be Laika, the clueless, trustful dog shot out into space.

30. Who are your heroes in real life?

My Mom, for all she is, all she knows and all she does. And every person who makes the lives of people or even a single person brighter and better, if only for a moment. And expects nothing in return.

31. What are your favorite names?

I came to like cool Czech names, like Lada and Lída.

32. What is it that you most dislike?

Open-space offices.

33. What is your greatest regret?

Not learning to play a musical instrument.

34. How would you like to die?

Aware of the process and of what is happening to me, having had several sessions with different experts on what to expect and what will happen. (Yes, I don't like surprises.)

35. What is your motto?

I don't have a motto or generic quote I live by. I'm just trying to live by my own standards, which are based on two imperatives... Do no harm. Do good if possible. 

But now that I'm thinking... There is one quote that keeps coming back to my mind on quite a regular basis. It's this gem by Robert Downey Jr., which I find very applicable in everyday life: 'Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever the fuck you were gonna do anyway.'

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For this article, I used the version Proust Questionnaire from Vanity Fair.