Apparently, there is a world - a secret world with its own rules - happening at the same time our daily life is mundanely going on day after day. And more than apparently, there is already someone who wrote a book about the particular world of dating in America. The book I'm talking about is written by the actor / comedian Aziz Ansari. You might know him from Master of None, a series he not only stars in, but also created and writes. Both in the series and in the book, Aziz Ansari is cleverly hilarious and funny in the my-kind-of-funny way.
Before I start talking about the book itself, here is a short disclaimer about myself:
I confess being very alien to the standardized interactions of dating (most classic encounters regarding things that could have lead to "dates" ended in a sure-you-do look when someone asked for my phone number, then eventually giving the guy a number of a telemarketing company selling bamboo socks I was receiving annoying phone calls from. All cleverly handled under my alias Klara. And I regret nothing.) That's why I'm always really doubtful about books giving insights into relationships, asking myself an is-this-really-the-way-it-is after almost everything that looks like a conclusion.
Ansari is focusing on the dating scene in America - be it little towns or big cities. He offers us a glimpse of historical background on how the old folks of today used to find love and appropriate marriage material. The whole book stands not only on Ansari's humor (which is indeed more of a supporting element), but is also built on bricks of studies conducted in different corners of the U.S. and the world and a lot of research.
In the book, you can find a deep (and oh, so funny) analysis of the cornerstone of modern dating: the text message. Since I'm not that fond of calls myself (I remember hiding my ringing cell-phone under my pillow until it stopped ringing and yep, still no regrets), I could empathize with folks writing messages to their crushes, strangers they just met and found them attractive, or random people. What I found more disturbing was the content of the messages - if you were one of the luckier ones, you just got a "hey" without any requests for showing certain parts of your body. Authentic as they were, I couldn't do anything else but imagine people who might be writing those messages. Could that be a neurosurgeon writing such nonsense? Clumsy with words, handy with your brain? Or a poet - skilled with words on paper, raw and a word-minimalist when dealing with women?
There is a whole dating sub-science related to text messages, profile pic rules and the proper response timelines. This is all written not as a guide and a how-to, but more like this is the interesting research based way things kinda are. Of course, there are some parts of his research which show certain cracks and are - at least on my side - questionable. Focus groups, for instance.
The author himself comes from an Indian family, his parents married in an arranged marriage. His Dad could have picked from more ladies, chose his mother as she was the one of the ideal height for him. (There is a part in the book dedicated to comparing classical marriages and the arranged ones in terms of happiness and satisfaction. You would be very surprised what those studies show... Or not really maybe.) Ansari is an American actor, but having Indian roots and a cosmopolitan view of the world, he decided to take a look at dating in other parts of the world. Very rationally, he picked three completely different dating cultures - the Japanese, the Argentinian and the French one. I will skip talking about the Japanese one, since everyone can imagine what the most common discoveries were... (Tentacles! Tentacles everywhere!) And if you've watched at least one telenovela, you can imagine how relationships and dating in Buenos Aires might work. But I was quite perplexed after reading the part about dating in France. (Might be also because I don't know anyone from Japan or Argentina, though.)
The research was again done via focus groups. These provide on one hand quite interesting insights, on the other hand - would you participate in a focus group and talk about your normal life with your normal wife? You are going to a concert today and anyway, you want to watch the new Game of Thrones episode later. And this is why instead of more regularly boring people, people with more exotic opinions and experiences take part in those interviews. And yes - they like to talk!
The most irritating conclusion for me was the one about general tolerance to cheating in the French society. Politicians do it and the whole thing is just so common in the country, people don't really care whom their spouse is sleeping with. Just wash it down with some red wine and a baguette and all is good again.
Nothing better could have been done than creating my own focus group. Luckily, I know a few French people, which means I'm not only exposed to stylishly dressed people in a sea of socks in sandals, but I can ask them a few questions. (Yes, I'm asking just a few people and yes, I'm trying to make a point related to focus-group quizzing here.)
For most of my colleagues, Ansari's conclusion doesn't really apply on a general basis:
It's hard for people to build relationships based on intimacy - you can find opportunities to have sex with someone within minutes, though.
Cheating can be fixed to some extent, but it depends on the quality of the relationship.
French people are as outraged and non-forgiving about cheating as any other people.
It's really not common practice to consider cheating as a normal part of a relationship.
When I asked my most sartresque colleague about these "findings" related to cheating, he took a deep look into his black coffee, stroke his beard, seeming a bit annoyed by me holding him from his cigarette-break. He leaned on the kitchen table and a calm "bullshit" became his first reaction. "Is the author American? Because for Americans, the French will always be like that madly in love cartoon skunk." (This one.)
... but back to the book.
Love or one night stands aren't the only things online-dating can end up in. There is a darker side to dating like this, like an old bald guy in a suit from the '70s appearing instead of the promised hipster in the coolest lumberjack shirt. But most importantly: dedicating your time to looking for a partner online bears a huge risk of wasting most of the time invested.
Although the book is not aimed to be a guide, there are some best practices shared. A pity I can't test those and be the romance-seeking guinea-pig, but some of them are quite obvious and based on common sense.
My only web-based interaction with strangers are occasional likes of Instagram photos of books I am currently reading. I cannot really imagine interacting with a stranger aiming for certain kinds of intimacy. Before writing this article, I - honestly - had to check whether Tinder is already a thing around here. (Turns out, it is.) I also discovered there are several dating websites and apps functioning and operating with a solid base of users. In the United States, almost a quarter of people met their romantic partners online. How would it be in Central Europe?
Anyway, Modern Romance is a funny book even for those of us who think a fate-directed cliché moment (such as reaching for the same book as your "missing piece of puzzle" in the library) is more likely to happen than a successful Tinderendez-vous. Despite that puzzling feeling of being mental miles away from the people and things described in the book, I had a good time reading it.
Let`s hope Ansari nails it again in the future and writes another book. Possible ideas: Modern Bromance about the tight bond between bros and all the current societal threats, or Modern Growmance - a book discovering all those parts of your body growing due to excessive chocolate consumption.
I'm staying tuned.
And offline.
P.S. If you want to know more about the book, you can either ask me (I will be happy to provide some spoilers), or check out this article written by Ansari.
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